Will I BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO QUIT THE JOB?

At times, I feel like I don’t belong in this place.

There is programming, computers, codes, discipline, strict schedules, attendance, swipe-in, swipe-out, people so damn motivated to go ahead in this field. Well, I’m not sure about myself. To be honest, I’m scared. I’m scared of all the things that are present over here. I don’t even know what I’m doing… I feel lost.

I feel like there’s just darkness ahead with not even a single streak of light to show me the path. Frankly I wasn’t this much scared before when I joined this company. During the training, I was altogether deeply petrified and wanted to get out of it. I wanted a place where I could breathe freely, be able to think and do whatever and whenever I want to. I wanted to have a world of my own. And clearly I don’t think I can get that from this IT Company, it’s obvious.

I have completed my training but something still bugs me, growling at me and making me sick. Somewhere deep in me, I’m nervous as shit. It’s not just because I can’t do it but it’s also because of the fact that there is no life in here. It’s like the world in here and the world of mine is totally different. On a daily basis, I see people in my company walking pretty fast, talking quickly about projects, reports and it makes me wonder if I can ever act like them. Basically the soul and the life I’m searching for isn’t here.

I feel lonely, I have tried to console myself, to be courageous about it so that I can fit into this place.  Everyday morning, I wake up thinking what should I do to escape from this job? But no ans. And I have also tried to reach others. I still remember that time during training, I was so deeply depressed that I was on the verge of leaving the job. It gave me signs to not go ahead. But I guess I was too coward, afraid that what people might say if I quit this one. So I strived to clear the exam and somehow I did. But my plan to escape this destiny is gone.

Someday, I want to do something where I’ll not be afraid. May be I need to keep revolting and keep that fire alive inside me to achieve my dreams. I’ll be motivated to work and excel. No matter what the situation is, this thing shouldn’t occur to my mind that ‘I want to quit my job’ because I’ll be loving my job so much that quitting it would be a far-fetched thing.

I still don’t know what I love the most and what my true dreams are. Yet I dream to be a writer, a traveller, a cook, a café owner, a bookstore owner. I want to be free… free to take my own decision, free to stand and sit whenever I want (unlike in my company), free to think, free to love, free to read, I love to read. I wanna be a reader of many books, I wanna visit the world and experience and meet people of all kinds especially those who match my interests, people who love to read, write, cook and eat.  And yeah, I want to have my own comic strip in any newspaper. Phew, so many things to do and such little time.

How can I forget the love of my life? Haha... my book. I wanna complete writing my dark soul series before I die. I wanna make Tom and Kay reach the best stage available. I want them to be alive for ages just like Romeo Juliet or any other kind of couple. Because you both are my life. You have given me happiness when I’m sad, hope when I’m in despair.., thoughts when I’m not even in the state of thinking also… I can’t describe how much special you are to me… you’re my sunshine.

I hope one day, I would be strong to quit this job to become what I really want. That day will come… my heart says… I’ll be fine. I’ll be happy. I’ll laugh, smile and love my job till death.